


Dimension Cannons and Drunk Time Lords

by Kelkat9



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Dimension Travel, Dirty Talk, Drunkenness, F/M, Humor, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-13
Updated: 2014-01-13
Packaged: 2018-01-08 15:44:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1134481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kelkat9/pseuds/Kelkat9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dimension hopping Rose runs into a certain ex Time Agent in Cardiff who takes her out drinking and tinkers a bit with her Dimension Cannon so she can zero in on the Doctor. She's just not quite prepared for what she finds. Then again, maybe it's an opportunity...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dimension Cannons and Drunk Time Lords

**Author's Note:**

> I was in a bad state after watching a certain ep of Downton Abbey. I needed some happy. Fic happened.
> 
> This is a trope fic that covers: Drunk Doctor/Reunion/Dimension Hopping Bad Wolfed Rose/Smut Talking Doctor/Crack Fic. Yep, it crosses pretty much every line. It’s a bit naughty. There is a lot of cursing in this one. Definitely Adult and NSFW. You have been warned.

The Dimension Canon finally worked. Rose had been jumping parallel to parallel universe until she'd finally run into one Jack Harkness. That had been a shock. She found him in Cardiff skulking in the shadows. He was watching her with her first Doctor and himself. At first, she didn't know who was more shocked him or her until he threw his arms around her in a tight hug whispering her name as if it was a prayer. He hauled her off to a bar where they both spent some quality time catching up and getting quite pissed. The end result was her learning he was immortal, had been abandoned and was looking for answers she didn't have. Although, she thought she could make a good guess about what had happened to him. It wasn't like she didn't have questions about her own rather unusual situation. Granted, she hadn't died and come back to life, but her life had taken a rather strange turn regarding certain unusual cellular conditions, an amazing ability at healing and bit of a change in her brain that astounded scientists in Pete's World.

She told Jack what she did know, which was bits and pieces from what the Doctor had told her, and what her own subconscious had revealed to her in her dreams. She then revealed more about the regeneration and everything through Canary Wharf. He called for a bottle of tequila and they started doing shots to things like: being time fucked; to Time Lords with great hair; to sexy blue boxes; to unrequited lusting; and especially, to answers from Time Pricks who run away. It wasn't all drinking and cursing though. Jack was clever in his own right and once she explained the Dimension Cannon project and the stars going out, Jack grinned brightly and punched a few things into his vortex manipulator and gave Rose the key she needed to find the Time Lord.

With a promise to come back for him, she disappeared in a flash. Her next jump landed her on a dingy space station in the Praxis Nebula. She found him in a dive bar at a table with several empty bottles of Hyper Vodka and Denuvian Whiskey. He was clearly stoned out of his Time Lord brain and that was something that you didn't see every day. Mr. Time Lord Superior Biology just didn't get pissed. Unless, that is, he wanted to and apparently he did, very much so. Rose walked up, pulled out a chair and sat down.

"Doctor?" she asked tentatively as he poured another shot and downed it in one gulp. He slammed the shot glass and down on the table and looked at her.

"Ohhh Rose, you look, testy err tasty, yeah, that's it," he slurred and then giggled.

Rose's brow furrowed. He didn't even look surprised to see her.

"Doctor, um aren't you surprised to see me?"

He grinned. "Fuck no! I see you all the time!" He lifted up a finger to point it at her but it waved in the air as if it had a life of its own. He stared at is finger moving around and squinted before looking back at her. "You're everywhere, on the jump seat, in the chitken…uh kitch…kitchen, the pooooool room, the cupboards and ohhhhh my bedroom. Love you there!" He giggled again.

"I am?" she asked, trying not to laugh at his inebriated state.

"Oh yes! I mean it doesn't matter cause you're really gone. All gone and I'm alone. Last of the Lord Times."

Rose bit her lip and felt such sympathy for him. She never wanted him to be alone much less in this state. He was clearly in pain. Before she could say anything, he leaned over the table, shoving empty bottles off to bounce on the floor.

"I so wanted to fuck you," he said with longing and filthy grin.

Rose's eyebrows shot up and she felt bad Rose peek out. How could she resist this opportunity? She unzipped her blue leather jacket and leaned over the table toward him. "Did you?" she asked and licked her lips.

"Oh yes!" he said with feeling. "Fuck you so many different ways and places."

A tongue teasing smile lit her face. "And you put a lot of thought in this. So where and how?"

He grinned that filthy grin, his eyes dilated and dark. "Ohhhh everywhere. The jump seat, pinning you down while you wrapped those lovely long legs around me while I shagged you rotten, the chair squeaking and bouncing while you made all these delicious noises. Then, there's the kitchen…" He seemed lost in thought on that one.

"Mmmm and how would you fuck me in the kitchen?" she asked.

He focused back on her. "On the counter, licking my way down and burying my face between your legs cause you taste so good," he said with a growl in his voice and closed his eyes and hummed.

She leaned in further, beginning to feel a bit hot. "And how do you know what I taste like?"

He inhaled, smacking his tongue against the roof of his mouth. "You exude hormones, so many delicious hormones I can't help but taste you and…" he paused as if he was about to reveal a terrible dangerous secret. He looked around and leaned in further and whispered, "I licked you a few times. It was supposed to be innocent but I may have told a bit of fib." He then winked at her.

"You don't say," she whispered back, moving even closer to him. "My but you've been a naughty Time Lord."

He grinned that huge smile and giggled and leaned back. "Yep!" he answered popping his p. "But it was so fucking good! Ohhhh it was like the best wine, a fine aphrodisssssiiiiiac," he said, stretching out that word and tilting the chair back but catching himself on the edge of the table before falling and then leaning on the table again. "I wanted to do so much more," he revealed and stared at her mouth. "Those lips, so voluptuous, so tempting and nibblable." Then furrowed his brow and shook his head. "No, not saying that again." He then stared at her mouth. "Kissing, sucking, tasting and plundering. Oh yes, I wanted to plunder and catalogue every taste and sensation from snogging the knickers off you to wrapping myself around you, feeling your perky breasts pressed against my bare skin."

Rose felt her face flush and cleared her throat. "Anything else?"

"Fucking in the shower, in a hot steamy shower, pressing you against the cool tiles, your mouth biting my shoulder as I fucked you so hard, I shifted a timeline or I slowed time or I you know, blew a temporal gasket," he said and waved his hand around in the air, knocking off another bottle.

Her mouth dropped open a bit at that reveal. "You sound awfully sure I'd like it," she said, prodding him for more as if her knickers weren't already drenched at his description.

His face darkened and his gaze burned her. "Rose Tyler, you would love it if I fucked you. I'd make sure." He tapped his temple. "Over a thousand books of erotica in here."

Rose twirled a piece of her hair in her fingers, her eyes darkening with his sexy assurance. "Tell me," she insisted with a slight husky quality to her voice.

He licked his lips as he stared longingly at her mouth. "Oh Rose, the things I would do. Tying you up with my ties," he said and then tugged his own tie and almost fell of his chair. He grabbed a bottle digging it into the table to right himself but wavering slightly.

"So you'd…you'd tie me up," she said, her voice cracking at that thought.

"Yep! Then I'd use sonic setting 4Apple900."

Rose looked at him confused as he grinned and waggled his eyebrows.

"Defabricator setting so I can fuck Rose Tyler," he explained and his voice made a happy squeak as he looked off unfocused clearly seeing himself doing that.

"You…you made a sonic setting just to get me naked?" she asked, now beyond aroused and wondering what other naughty settings he had programmed that he hadn't told her about.

He nodded his head grabbed a bottle and turned it upside down pouring another shot, spilling some on the table and barely made it to his mouth with the shot, squeezing his eyes shot as he swallowed and then muttering about cheap twenty fifth century booze.

"So, naked and tied to the bed then?" she prodded, shifting in her seat as she had a mental image of that scene playing out.

He refocused on her. "Oh yes," he said with longing. "Then I'd snog you deeply, sucking on that bottom lip of yours and lick my way down, maybe spend some time sucking and nipping at your breasts, writing my name across your abdomen with my tongue before diving between your legs…" he paused, his eyes glazed.

Rose might have unconsciously rubbed her thighs together. "And you…uh would you use your tongue to make me come?" she asked, now fully aroused and wanting to end this by dragging him across the table and teaching him how badly she wanted to shag him too.

"What?" he slurred and then refocused on her. "Oh no, I'd use my fingers too, teasing you, testing you, finding what made you squirm, mapping out your nerve endings until I found that one special spot," he said wrapping his mouth around _spot_. "Then you'd gasp and scream for me, purring and humming like a perfectly tuned temporal resonating coupling."

Rose giggled a bit at that. Time Lords weren't so different from human males. It's all about the boy and his car. "So you'd have me purring would ya? What about you?"

He looked back at her and loosened his tie, obviously feeling a bit hot himself. "Ohhhhhh I'd…uh be plunging my manly Time Lord cock into you, sliding home into so much delicious Roseness and you'd lock your legs around me and arch off the bed wanting me in deeper. You'd be so hot and tight and I'd let go and just enjoy. I'd say fuck off to all those Time Lord rules and just fuck you instead." He Announced with a grand hand gesture that Rose was sure was meant to be obscene. He leaned in closer to her. "And it would be fucking worth it to let time go, and you know, fuck itself, just for a glorious shag with my Rose 'cos, you know it would be you and me, together."

His face turned dark then. "We deserved it, should have had it but those fucking Daleks came back and the universe give me the finger cause I can't have anything good. Noooo, can't have my clever, feisty and bouncy Rose. Nope, I have to lose everything and suffer! Cos there's nothing good for the Doctor. He has to just fuck himself cause he's a loser. Even Donna thought so and she was nearly eaten by her bloody fiancé! Said, I needed someone to stop me but not her. She was too smart, knew enough to bugger off away from me."

Rose's face fell then. This had to stop. Without another word she reached across the table, bottles shoved out of her way, grabbed his tied and yanked him toward her. "Then stop being alone." She then proceeded to snog him passionately which he returned with much vigour until something clicked in his mind and he pulled back. Rose let go of his tie. He sat back so hard in his chair it tipped over dumping him onto the floor.

"Doctor!" she called out and knelt by him.

The Doctor looked up at what had been a very nice, well very nice was an understatement, hallucination brought on by copious amounts of liquor he had allowed free reign in his body. But, hallucinations didn't drag him across the table and snog him. At least, they hadn't before this.

He quickly metabolized the alcohol and stared in shock at one very real Rose Tyler who did not disappear as he regained his sobriety. He rubbed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose before looking back at her and squinting. "You're a very strange hallucination unless you're not and are someone using her face to manipulate me and if you are, you better run now," he warned. "'Cos if there is one thing that keeps me fighting, it's her and no one gets to dishonour her name, her face, who she was and all she sacrificed to keep this bloody universe safe."

"Doctor, it's me," Rose said softly. "Same Rose you lost. Same one you saw on Bad Wolf Bay who didn't get to hear what you were gonna say to me. Still want you to finish that sentence."

He stared up at her. "It can't be."

She showed him the little yellow device in her pocket, her part of the Dimension Cannon. "I found a way to come home."

He stared at it and then her as if unable to comprehend or couldn't believe it. He pulled out his glasses and put them on and stared some more.

She held out her wrist with a tongue teasing smile. "Wanna taste?"

He looked from her wrist to her face to her wrist before roughly grabbing it and bringing it to his mouth where his tongue darted out and took a quick taste. Still holding her arm, he smacked his tongue in his mouth. It was familiar, wonderful and impossible. He pressed his tongue flat against her wrist and allowed her essence into his mouth, swirling it around, analysing it and enjoying every bit of it, almost moaning.

That's when it hit him. This was Rose Tyler. She was back and she'd given him her wrist to lick. He looked at her, finding her smiling and a little breathless, her gorgeous brown eyes, darkening in something more than joy. He inhaled and was overwhelmed by her desire. This was no fantasy. This was real. He was here in this bar, on the floor with Rose Tyler and he had just told her he wanted to fuck her….everywhere.

His mouth opened and closed a few times as his big Time Lord brain cleared, focused, processed the information and it all it hit home. Rose was back. This was very good. He had just confessed his inner most fantasies to her which could be very bad. But, she was aroused after said confessions which might be very good for him. Indeed, that could be promising in a very ego boosting, sexually satisfying kind of way. Maybe.

"Rose," he finally croaked out. "You're back."

"Yep!" she answered, now grinning more at him as he still held her wrist.

"Here, in this bar, with me…listening to me be all…."

She giggled. "Yeah, that's about it."

"Ah," he responded nodding. "So, long time no see."

Now, she couldn't help herself and laughed out loud in full out Rose Tyler joy and amusement. It was like music to his ears and without much thought he sprang forward and hugged her tightly to him, burying his face in her neck and she returned the hug with much enthusiasm, whispering his name.

He pulled back. "How did you get here? I mean obviously you're using some illicit and possibly multiversal shattering technology which could doom us all and don't think we aren't gonna chat about that but uh you're here."

She sighed. "You really think I was gonna kill everyone just to find you? Seriously?"

"Well, I…"

"Have a big bloody ego, you do," she said with a teasing smile. "Thinks he's such a great shag, I'd sacrifice the universes." She shook her head and shoved his shoulder.

"Welll…I…" he started to say, nervously and tugged at his ear before something occurred to him. "Did you say shag me?"

Rose rolled her eyes. "Big Time Lord brain and he focuses on me shagging him. Like you don't want me to," she teased and sighed. "Fine, I do want to shag you and want you to do all those things you just talked about and maybe a few more but there's this problem with you know, the stars going out, the universes collapsing and your basic multiversal catastrophe. I'd hate to miss it for a shag, even a really, really good one."

He snorted and then started to laugh. "All right. Guess we should get to it."

"That's my Doctor!" she said grinning, and stood up holding her hand out to him. He eagerly grasped it lacing his fingers with hers.

He seemed to shake himself out a bit, adjusted his glasses and a light filled his gaze as he looked at her. "So, ready to save the multiverse Lewis?"

"On it, Sarge," she teased and then pulled him into a long, hot snog. When she let him go he stared at her in disbelief.

"What? It's not like you didn't confess to me your pervy daydreams."

"Those were not pervy, Rose Tyler. After we stop whatever is going on out there and you know, save everyone, I'll show you pervy."

"Gonna hold you to that now come on. Jack's waiting on his."

"Jack?" he said with an unhappy expression.

"Yeah, Jack, who you left behind and we'll talk about that later. I met up with him before you. He helped me find you. Him and me had a bit of a chat. Might have some things in common now. Looks like you don't have to be alone anymore so come on. He's already working on this." She tugged his hand and dragged him out of the bar not seeing his expression of shock and worry.

"Well, where's the TARDIS?" she asked looking around.

"Rose, Jack is…" he started to say, sounding unhappy and unsure.

"Our friend and has been alone and suffering for centuries. He needs answers. You don't like being alone. Do you think he does?" She paused then before shooting him a serious look. "Do you think I do?"

He was completely sober then and for the first time really looked at her and then he saw it. Time. Her time was not normal. He knew Jack's time line was warped, twisted in some horrifying fixed point that grated on his nerves but Rose was different. Her time line looped and twisted in some way he didn't understand, a way that filled him with awe. She was Rose but yet, she was more.

Rose squeezed his hand. "Forever isn't just a dream of a twenty year old who loves you."

He looked at her as she stared back at him with love. "Got something to say to me?" she asked.

He looked tongue tied and she rolled her eyes. His mouth gaped open and he had wide eyed look before he sighed and pulled her into his arms and leaned in close whispering what she longed to hear, an affirmation. "Rose Tyler," he whispered, pausing slight. "My hearts belong to you, if you want. I mean, I…I love you," he whispered softly.

Rose felt tears in her eyes and stepped away to cup is face in her hands and nodded her head yes and gently kissed him. "Yes, I do want but we really have to save the multiverse first and don't think we aren't gonna talk more 'bout this," she said in an emotional voice. "Now let's go do our thing, save everyone, talk to Jack about what happened and then shag."

He nodded and snapped his fingers and the TARDIS appeared further down a corridor. Rose smiled and raced toward her, the Doctor in tow. She lovingly ran her hand over the door and turned to the Doctor who was gazing at her with something beyond mere affection.

He walked up and pressed her against the door, leaning in for long snog leaving Rose breathless. He rested his forehead against hers. "I think you've got that wrong. Save the Universe, shag, shag and shag some more then we'll deal with Jack."

"That a promise?"

"It's a fact, a fixed point that will happen no matter what."

Rose couldn't speak, just nodded her head.

"The Doctor and Rose Tyler in the TARDIS as it should be, always."

"With shagging," Rose added.

He kissed her again. "Most definitely with shagging."

As they walked in, Rose looked at the jump seat with new affection and he smirked at her. He pulled her with him as he danced around the console flipping switches and setting coordinates with Rose helping him as they made their way off to save the universe and…shag a lot.


End file.
